Pages: 289
Released On: 03/04/2023
This is a self-coaching book for women in difficult relationships with their mothers, who want to understand how these patterns of relating came into being and how to change them. The book explores the factors that influence such relationships from conception onwards, and what holds them in place now we are adults. It includes the challenges of being raised by negative, narcissistic, distant, smothering and dependent mothers, and looks at how they may have become like this. Mothers are daughters too. The book doesn’t blame mothers or daughters, but takes a compassionate and non-judgemental approach to the topic. At the heart of such relationships is emotional trauma, and the book addresses this in a way that will promote insight and well-being. There are self-help exercises throughout the book to take readers on their own learning and change.
The book invites readers into a conversation about some difficult topics, including maternal ambivalence and the emotional pain of not feeling loved, seen, protected or valued by the mother. Sadly, the family environment for some children is not a loving one, nor is it one where the family is struggling with many challenges which affect how the mother can relate to her daughter. Not all daughters stay with their birth mothers, some are raised by adoptive or foster mothers, or other family members. They may have relationships with both birth and adoptive mothers, either or both of which may be difficult for the daughter.
In focusing on daughters and mothers, the book also recognises the importance of fathers, mothers’ partners, and close family to how we develop. The author acknowledges that sons and mothers, daughters and fathers, sons and fathers can also be difficult and challenging relationships, however, the focus of this book is daughters and mothers.
*****
Thanks to Literally PR for the gifted proof of this title in return for an honest review and spot on the book tour.
I will start this review by saying I have a perfectly happy and healthy relationship with my mother – which is impressive seeing as I am 30 years old and still live at home with her. And yet, there was something about this book that interested me and I felt I had to read it. But that healthy relationship may mean this book isn’t necessarily targeted at me, but I feel it’s important to read none the less. Even more so considering my mother is the only parent I have left.
There does seem to be this divide – I don’t think I noticed it before – particularly with the mother/daughter relationship, is you are either really close or very distant. It seems odd to come across anyone in between, which is interesting.
You can tell this is a topic that Julia feels strongly about, and this comes through in the research she’s done to compile it, as well as her own personal experience.
The book is split into relatively short, clearly defined sections. This makes it easier if you want to dip in to a certain section or skip a section that may not be relevant to you. But it doesn’t impact the reading experience if you wish to read it from front to back, like I did.
The sections include childhood, family dynamics, grief, adult mother/daughter relationships, the cycle of suffering, compassion, trauma, forgiveness, grandmother/mother/daughter etc.
It is intense, I won’t lie. Julia hasn’t cut any corners or sugar coated things. It’s raw and honest and eye opening. At times, uncomfortable, but for all the right reasons.
It’s potentially not the friendliest of books – and what I mean by that is whilst it’s very interesting, it’s probably not the book you’ll choose to curl up in front of a fire with for a nice relaxed, cosy evening. It makes you work for it. And that is definitely a benefit. And whilst there’s absolutely nothing wrong with reading a book just for entertainment purposes (that’s how I spent 99% of my life), this gives you more than just that and you get a certain reward out of knowing you’ve learned something. And I think it’s difficult to find the right balance between informative and entertaining, but overall I believe Julia has got it just right. It’s not too heavy on the technical, she knows that most people reading it won’t be professionals in the field of relationships, and so it has to be accessible to the lay person, but she hasn’t dumbed it down either.
In my non-professional opinion I’d say, rather than it being a book on a household bookcase, it would be more suited to a psychologists office or in a senior school library, something like that. Although I must say it doesn’t look out of place on my bookshelf.
There are some…I don’t want to call it homework. At the end of each section she provides some questions to think about and asks you to look deeper into your childhood and your relationships.
I like that she’s added little examples. Whether they’re true anecdotes or fictional, it makes the ‘sciency’ bits easier to relate to.
I’m not aware of any other books currently having this conversation so it’s a unique and interesting read in that regard.
If I’m being super critical, I’d say I’d like a bit more certainty. I know things are specific to each and every reader and you can’t cover 100% of people, but there’s a lot of “maybe this”, “perhaps you”, “some may feel” etc. and I feel it might have been more impactful if it had more definites, but it’s not the end of the world. It doesn’t affect the reading of the book, it’s just my pickiness.
Books By Your Bedside 